Terrible Twilight
by periwinkle13
Summary: Not for those die-hard Twilight fans, but for the cool ones, who have a sense of humour. Unlike, y'know, the die-hard ones. Just saying. Ladies and gentlemen! I present to you, Twilight in a soap opera! Oh wait - it already is one.
1. Of cliffs and falling

Disclaimer: This isn't Twilight-friendly. Yeah.

A/N: YOOOOO. This isn't my account, cos I don't have one. Soo, I'm using my friend's. Say hi! There probably isn't going to bee another chapter, since I'm lazy like that. This is just spur-of-the-moment stuff. Yeah. :D

* * *

**Act 1, Scene 1 – The Terrible Cliff**

_Bella, Edward and Esme are in a car._

Esme: _Worriedly. _Be careful, okay?

Bella: Yes, mum! _Grins._

Edward: Don't get out of the car without me. There could be werewolves.

Bella: There aren't any –

Edward: Don't turn on the radio. There could be swearing.

Bella: Swearing isn't –

Edward: Don't drink water not in a bottle. It could be poison.

Bella: Who would want to poison _me?!_

Edward: Don't go near Jacob. It makes me jealous.

Bella: _I DON'T EFFING CARE!_

Wait, _what? _Sorry, cancel that last line. It never happened.

Bella: Yes, Edward, I'll listen to you because you're perfect and I need that to –

Edward: Don't breathe too much. There's carbon monoxide.

Bella: _Lovingly. _I love it when you worry about me.

Audience: Awww.

Edward: Oh, Bella!

Bella: Oh, Edward!

_They kiss. And get out of the car. That, too._

Edward: Don't trip. You could get hurt.

Bella: I know, but –

Edward: Don't think. You could get a headache.

Bella: I _know_, but – AHHH!

_Bella falls off a random cliff._

Edward: Don't talk, you could get a sore throat.

_Silence._

Edward: OH, YOU _TERRIBLE_ CLIFF! HOW DARE YOU TAKE MY BELLA! HOW _DARE _YOU?!

Esme: _Sobbing. _Oh, Bella. Poor, poor, Bella. I do hope you (don't) suffer.

Edward: _Pounds ground with fists. _You terrible cliff! You TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE CLIFF! NOOO!

Esme: Oh, the poor clothes she was wearing.

Edward: _Shouting off the edge of the cliff. _Bella, if you can hear me, don't walk off cliffs! It's _terrible_.

Bella: I'm right here.

Edward: _Hugs her. _Oh, Bella!

Bella: Oh, Edward!

_They kiss. Credits roll._

Or not.

Seriously – this happened. I don't know if you remember it in any of the books (you probably don't – it's the 'raw' Twilight. By my reckoning.) but here, my friends, is the real deal. The spectacular! The great! The awesome! The real deal! The One! The way they put anchovies in pepperoni pizza! Oh, here they are again, folks!

Audience: _Clapping._

Bella: I'm sorry to worry you, Edward.

Edward: Oh, Bella. It wasn't your fault that you're clumsy (or stupid, or idiotic, or moronic, or a downright annoying wench), and that that's the 'fault' to make you un-perfect. Oh, Bella, it wasn't your fault. It was the cliff's fault.

Bella: _Tearing. _I _love _you, Edward!

Audience: Aww.

Edward: No, I love _you_, more!

Bella: No, _I _love _you_!

Edward: Bella, don't be stupid! _I love you!_

Bella: No! You're the stupid one! (But I still love you, since you're perfect and all. Yeah.)

_Bella stomps off. Esme looks on in shock. Edward goes _into _shock._

Edward: What – what have I done? I have angered Bella, _oh no!_

Esme: Stop shaking.

Edward: What? Oh, poor Bella!

_Bella is walking home. Thinking. As hard as she can. Really. She was thinking! I swear! Fine, don't believe me. But I really think she was thinking._

Bella: What have I done? Oh, Bella!

Yes, she did say that.

Bella: Now, Edward is angry. I'll – I'll be _dumped!_

Audience: _Gasps._

Bella: No, no that cannot happen. I'm too smitten by his perfectness. Yes, that cannot happen. I shall seduce him!

_Blanks out with Bella in the Superman pose._

* * *

**Act 1, Scene 2 – The Terrible Seduction**

Esme: I wonder where Bella is?

Narrator: Where is Bella?

Kids: There she is!

Narrator: Yes kids, there she is!

_Bella appears, distraught._

Bella: I shall now attempt to seduce Edward.

Audience: _Gasps._ No _way_.

Bella: Yes, way.

_Attempt 1._

Bella: _Batting eyelashes. _He-ey, Eddd-waaaarrdd.

Edward: Where's the milk?

FAIL.

_Attempt 2._

Bella: I think I'll go into my room. Which has CANDLES, and LAVENDER, and ROMANTIC MUSIC.

Edward: Seriously – where did that milk go?

FAIL.

_Attempt 3._

Bella: EDWARD! JUST (beep)ING BE (beep)ING SEDUCED, ALREADY!

Edward:How 'bout orange juice?

Bella: _Rips off her clothes._

Not-so-smooth-move there, Bella. Oh wait – hadn't she already tried this? In the book? Jeez, now they're giving us re-runs.

Bella: _Screams in frustration._

Edward: No? Apple juice?

Bella: JUST (beep)ING (beep) ME!

Edward: Oh! Banana flavoured milk! Yum.

Ouch. My ears. Audience, shield your children!

Audience: _Shields children._

Okay. Not literally. But okay.

* * *

So, you know, the other day, I heard about this new thing everyone's been doing. Everyone cool, at least. It's called reviewing.


	2. Of lions and lambs and ladders

Disclaimer: We're on a site for fanfics, dope. Use your head.

**AN:** Since it's so cool to receive reviews and stuff, I wrote another chapter. CHEER FOR MEH. This is The Friend again, by the way. Which is why this writing isn't as good as the rest on this account. ANYWAY. Pretty much completely out of character, because it's only ever fun like that, seriously. Oh yeah, there's language in this thing. Because I'm like that.

* * *

**Act 1, Scene 3 – The Terrible House**

_We see the Cullen house from the outside. Bloody hell, it's _big_._

Bella: _In her room. _Oh, Edward. Edward, Edward, Edward. _Edward_, Edward, Edward, Edward. Edward, Edward, Ed –

Jacob: _In the next room. _Will you just shut _up_, Bella?

Audience: _Gasps._

Bella: _Offended. _I'm doing my Edward chant. It has to be finished.

Jacob: Your _what_?

Bella: My _Edward Chant_. If I say his name a hundred times, he'll come back to me. Because I _am _his cocaine, after all. Oh wait – it was heroin. _Giggles. _Silly me.

Jacob: _Gags_. Where's Reenesmee? I mean, Ruhneesme? I mean, Re – oh, forget it. Where is she?

Bella: Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward. _Edward_, Edward, Edward, Edward. _Deep breath. _Edward, Edward, Edward...

_In his room._

Edward: I smell something fishy.

Alice: I smell something dog.. ie.

Edward: That's what I meant.

Alice: But fishes don't smell like dogs.

Edward: I _know_.

Alice: Then..? I mean, dogs don't smell like fishes, either.

Edward: My attempt at modern-day speech has failed. I shall have to continue talking as if I were from the _past_. Which I am, really. Oh, woe!

Maybe it isn't you, Edward. Maybe it's the person you're talking to.

_Focus on Bella now, please._

Bella: _Still chanting_. Edward, Edward, Edward, Edwa – Jacob! Stop _licking_ me. What are you – some cheap _dog_?

Jacob: _In mid-lick._ You're heroin, right? I'm a person right now. Can't you see? Maybe Edward was right about you seeing too much then going blind. Hah!

Bella: Yeah..

Jacob: _Yum_.

Bella: You're supposed to be imprinting on _Renesme_. I'm her _mum_.

Jacob: Well, while I'm waiting for her, I must as well have some fun, eh?

Bella: Jacob! Don't even think – _AHH_!

One of the Audience's Children: Mummy – why is the boy touching her 'special place'?

Said Child's Mother: I'm not sure, honey, now go read your book. I'll tell you when it's over.

And the rest, my friends, is history. And censored.

* * *

**Act 1, Scene 4 – The Terrible Theatre**

Bella: After sleeping with Jacob, Edward is mad at me, though I don't know why, because shouldn't he understand if he loved me oh-so-fully? I mean – oh _no_! That means it's _my _fault! I have to –

_She trips over while standing up. I know. Amazing, innit?_

Bella: _Sobbing_. I can't show anyone. They'll worry about the tiny bruise that's forming, and I'm a nice little girl, not the whining, clingy, annoying _wench_ everyone thinks I am. I'm a good little girl!

Audience: _Cheers_.

Edward: Bella?

Bella: Edward!

Edward: Are you hurt?

Bella: I- I tripped over the chair while I was standing up.

Edward: OH YOU TERRIBLE CHAIR!

_He smashes it against the wall._

Bella: _Shocked._ Edward!

Edward: Oh, Bella!

Rosalie: Oh, Edward!

_They kiss._

Audience: _Gasps_.

Edward: _Rosalie?!_

Bella: _Bitch?!_

Rosalie: Sorry. Emmet's just so extra, y'know? 'Emmet chuckled.' 'Emmet laughed.' 'Emmet grinned.' 'Emmet had mad sex with Rosalie.' 'Emmet teased.'

The Audience Kid Again: Mummy – what's 'mad sex'?

Said Kid's Mother: It's a hamburger.

_Bella and Edward nod in understanding._

Bella: But still. You're so pretty. And I'm.. not. And I'm whiny, and clingy, and sad, and annoying, and –

_She slaps Rosalie. It breaks her hand._

Edward: OH YOU TERRIBLE ROSALIE!

_He attempts to smash her against the wall, but she just flies out the window, never to be seen again._

Edward: Bella, I'm so sorry.

Bella: It's okay. I understand. She was a terrible perso – I mean, loss. A terrible loss.

Edward: _Sadly_. Yes indeed. Oh, Bella.

Bella: OH, EDWARD!

_She flings herself at him. They kiss. And do some.. other things. I don't think you want to know about that. I mean, Jacob was bad enough. And now this? Credits roll._

Not really. It just seemed so much like a soap opera, that I could see the credits rolling on their faces. Oh, and did you know that some child got taken by the police for asking for 'mad sex' at a McDonald's outlet? Kids these days.

Edward: Don't look, Bella. You could go blind.

Bella: But I want to see you!

Edward: Don't talk. You could get a sore throat. Didn't I tell you already? And the credits, they're all over the place.

Bella: Ouch. Some got in my mouth.

Edward: OH YOU TERRIBLE CREDITS!

_Edward becomes a blur as he smashes the credits._

Bella: _Edward! _

Edward: Yes?

Bella: You're my _hero_!

Edward: I do try, Bella. I do try.

Bella: I know – we can do a play!

_Classic fairytale setting. Tall tower. Handsome knight. White horse. Armour. Tulips. Castle in the background. Birds. Beautiful maiden. Wait – that's a _sheep.

Narrator: Are ya ready, kids?!

Kids: Aye-aye, captain!

Narrator: _I can't hear you!_

Alice: I can. Turn it down, beardy.

Kids: AYE-AYE, CAPTAIN!

Narrator: Ohh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Kids: ED-WARD-CUL-LEN!

Edward: I like to call it a _dome_, thank you.

Narrator: Absorbent and yellow and porous is –

_Bella turns off her phone. Everyone stares._

Bella: What? It's a good song.

Edward: _Splutters_. It's a _horrible_ song!

Narrator: Should we punish the Big Bad Edward?

Kids: Yeah!

Okay, okay. Let's try to get back on track. The play!

_Edward is kneeling._

Edward: Oh beautiful maid – I mean, sheep. How I love you so! (Bella, _what_ are you _doing_?!)

Bella: _Talking through a mouthpiece as the sheep's voice. _Baa! Eeeeddddwarrrrd! I looooooovvvveeeeeee you tooooo! (Everyone's loving the lion and the lamb thing.)

Edward: (So that's why I'm in this ridiculous costume!) I'll save you!

Bella: Baa! Yaaaaaaaaay!

_Edward attempts to climb up the ladder. But lions can't climb ladders. D'oh!_

Edward: I can't make it!

Bella: You are one sorry excuse for a lion.

**BURN**.

And _fin_.

* * *

**AN: **And thus comes the end of Terrible Twilight, Act 1. Unless a sudden strike of genius hits me (not saying they're not common - just that Twilight isn't high on my 'Think About' list), there probably won't be another act. But of course, that doesn't mean that the rest of you who are lurking there can get away. **_Review_**, ya hear me?

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	3. Of insults and lampshades

**Act 2, Scene 1 – The Horrible Car**

_Edward, Bella, and Jacob are in the Cullen's front yard. With Bella's car. Y'know, the ugly one. She says it's got personality as an excuse to make it seem better. Sad._

Edward: What's that _dog_ doing here?

Jacob: In fact, _bloodsucker_, I'm trying to think up of better insults apart from bloodsucker, flea, mosquito, termite –

Edward: Termites don't drink blood.

Jacob: See what I mean?! They're all pathetic and not worthy at all.

Try telling him that at least _you_ don't try to act all graceful and whatnot when really, he's just a savage. Oh, and that sparkling is for wimps.

Edward: That's because they're made by you.

Jacob: But, at least I don't try to act all graceful and whatnot, when really, you're just savages. _I _don't try to hide it, y'know what I mean? And I don't try to act graceful. And (Okay, I forgot. What was the next part?)

Wimps.

Jacob: And sparkling is for wimps.

Audience: _Gasps_.

Edward: Ehmagawd. You did _nawt_ just say that! Like, ehmagawd, ehmagawd, ehmagawd! You – you _dog_!

Nuh-uh. Using the same insult twice in a row is cheating! (And drop the accent – it doesn't suit you.)

Edward: I _can't _think up of another! My brainpower – it's all spent on trying to keep Bella safe from things she should be kept safe from.

Jacob: _Scoffs_. Like?

Edward: Like- like- Bella!

Bella: _Shocked._ Huh, what?

Edward: Don't look at lamps without lampshades! They might hurt your eyes.

Bella: I was just _glancing _at it.

Jacob: Yeah, you, uh, _jerk_.

Audience: _headdesk._

Edward: Doesn't matter, Bella. It's bad for your eyes. And Jacob, like ehmagawd, you're such an LBR. Ew.

Okay, who's hi-jacking the script and making Edward talk like a bimbo who doesn't know a microwave from a television? Even though he _can't_ tell a microwave from a television (he gets prompts during the book) he isn't a bimbo. Even though he's not really a man, either. But that's a different story. Back to the show, folks!

_Edward is now sporting a new hat. It is, after close inspection, a lampshade._

Bella: Edward – I _told _you, that's not a hat, it's a –

Edward: It's absolutely fine, sweetheart, I'll wear whatever you may choose for me.

Bella: No, I'm _trying_ to tell you that it's a lamp –

Edward: Honestly. And I'm very touched, it's just that this needs a few improvements.

Bella: It's a –

Edward: For example, the fact that I can't see very well. Yes, that needs to be worked on. Eyeholes, perhaps.

Bella: _Edward_! It's a –

_Bella trips. On the flat surface of the front yard. Yes. I'm not kidding. Though this isn't nearly as bad as the chair..oh look. She's face down on the ground. Hey, that rhymes. Should this be in these stage-direction-like-things? Maybe they shouldn't. Oh well. Hey. She's not getting up! Oh ho ho._

Edward: _Getting irritated._ I _assure _you that I'm _fine _with this hat. I'm sure it's just your (lack of) taste. Bella? Bella?! Bella, I'm unable to see with this hat on. May I take it off?

Jacob: _Nutjob_, she's on the _floor_.

Audience: _Gasp._

Kid in Audience: Mummy, I'm hungry. Can I have some mad sex?

Others in Audience: _Double gasp._

Mother of the Kid: _Flustered._ Uhm, why don't we have something else, dearie? Come now, how about a cheeseburger?

Their names seem to change all the time. Hmm.

_Edward rips off his hat. (see; lampshade.)_

Edward: _Bella_?!

_Edward whirls around and sees – the car! Even though it's a yard away. Because of the whole super-sight thing._

Edward: Oh, you _horrible _car! The only reason why you are not a pile of scrap metal is because of my mercy! And if I were to destroy you, Bella would end things with me, which would be horrible, since I'm not heroin to her. I'm not sure _what _I am – they only said drug, and I haven't been able to figure it out myself.

Jacob: I get to be the sun!

This isn't a play you _'nutjob'_. What kind of label is 'nutjob', anyway?

Jacob: It means he's crazy.

I _know_ that, but don't use it if it makes you a hypocrite.

Jacob: A what?

Edward: A _hypocrite_. Allow me to take this time to exhibit my amazing intelligence – which only came around because I've been alive for a long time, I'm not really all that smart – by telling you the meaning of 'hypocrite'. A hyprocrite is; a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings.

Audience: _Applauds_.

Jacob: What's _contradiction_?

Edward: Contradiction is –

_Bella groans. She's on the ground._

Edward: Bella! _Rushes to her side_. Oh, Bella. Forgive me, my love, for leaving you on this horrible ground.

Bella: _Miraculously healed._ Oh, Edward!

Jacob: Oh, Bella!

_Edward and Bella kiss._

Jacob: _Hey_! _I _get that one! _I_ finished the phrase! _Why don't I get to kiss Bella_?! And _why_ are there words on my face?

Edward: Don't listen, Bella dear, I don't want you going deaf.

Bella: Oh, _Edward_.

* * *

**an;**Yeah, this is half a chapter, because I found it lying around. Too lazy to write the rest of it.


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